I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
