Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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