at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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