well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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