It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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