So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Randomize
