As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
