today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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