get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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