Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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