Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
