I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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