I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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