How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
