I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
