She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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