i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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