i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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