Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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