Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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