I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
