thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
