you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
