Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I puked a lego.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
