He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
