My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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