then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
