Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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