i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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