I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
