I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
