Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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