Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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