My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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