i need an iv and a liver transplant
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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