That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
