seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
