i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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