Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
