She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
