he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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