I accidentally had phone sex last night
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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