It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
