I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
