Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
