Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
