We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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