It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
