He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
