My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
